Category: New beginnings

So it Begins Again..

“Give me a heart for every heart that’s breaking, and give me eyes to see we’re so much more than flesh and blood.”

We are Messengers

I look back on this past week and how many God moments I’ve experienced. So many answered prayers that I’ve prayed for so long. And yet, the sinful nature of my humanity is I still let the presence of fear be real this week. A couple of days ago on my plane ride back home, I looked out my window and watched the sunset. It was one of the most beautiful plane ride sunsets I’ve ever seen. I was reminded how much God’s love for me is so much closer to me than I can fully ever imagine.

This morning at church my pastor preached such a profound message about how often Jesus is a destabilizing figure in our lives.

He is always calling us into deeper waters.

Jesus told Peter to leave his net and Peter left everything to follow Jesus. Some of us are called to leave our nets and some of us are called to stay in the lake where Jesus has already placed us.

A big thing I learned in South Africa was that my faith wasn’t there to necessarily lead me out of my hardships or keep me safe from the adversity I experienced. But rather, my faith kept leading me towards the pain.. and my faith kept leading me into deeper waters.

My hope and prayer after the Holy Land or when I’m older, I’ll have the eyes to look back and say, “I see it.” Just the way I’ve already seen it looking back at my time in South Africa.

Tomorrow I leave and I ask for the prayer of peace. His peace that surpasses all understanding. The peace that gives me the courage to go into deep waters.

And for my readers, my family and friends, I leave with you this challenge:

I wonder what lake you are in?

I wonder if you’re stuck in the shallows?

And I wonder, are you willing to step further into deeper waters?

Caili

His Magic Moments

“You may believe in God, but never forget – it’s God who believes in you.”

Ann Voskamp

This past Saturday night as my mom and I were waiting to get on the plane, we started up a conversation with the couple that was behind us and they asked us where we were from.

I said, “Michigan.”

Then they asked us what the reason we were going to Utah for and we said we were going to visit a University.

They replied, “Is it Southern Utah University?”

With a chuckle we replied, “Yeah, how do you know about SUU?”

They ecstatically said, “Our niece goes there and she loves it there.”

As I walked on the plane that night I thought, “Wow out of all the airports and out of all the schools.. what a small world God..”

This morning we woke up before sunrise to drive two hours to visit the University. As my mind was racing with thoughts and imaginations of what today might hold, I looked out my window and I saw the sun coming up. I saw between the shades of the clouds the faintest rainbow piercing through. A reminder of God’s promise. The promise of His love for us.

When I left the campus today, I didn’t feel any profound feeling like “this is it” or “I know this where God wants me.” But instead, I said, “why not?”

“Why not here?” From the time I got on campus to the moment I left, I was greeted with an overwhelming kindness of so many hearts.

SUU is bringing me a challenge, to leave my comfort home of West Michigan, to meet people with different backgrounds and beliefs, and to have an endless amount of opportunities to be in God’s creation with the National Parks. With a hopeful and confident heart I will be attending SUU next fall.

I think sometimes I allow myself to put so much pressure on making a decision that I miss the little magic moments in life. The magic moments God gives us. From the couple at the airport, to the rainbow that was peaking through the sunrise, to the heart warming love of SUU.

I don’t know if I’ll be here for 1 year or 4 years but I know this; God won’t lead me where He doesn’t want me, He has a plan for my life, and it all begins with stepping out in faith.

Today I learned that sometimes in life we can’t be so focused on making the right decision. Whether it’s moving to a new place, picking the right college, finding the best job etc., because if we do, we will miss the little magic moments of Him.

Caili

2 Weeks Left

“The distance is nothing; it’s only the first step that is difficult.”

Marquise du Deffand

In 2 weeks I will be leaving my family and my home. In 2 weeks I will go from feeling safe and comfortable to taking many new steps and experiencing lots of newness. In 2 weeks I will meet strangers from different walks of life and they will quickly become like family.  

I’ve been making decisions this past week of what backpack, sleeping bag, or headlamp to get and much more. It all feels overwhelming at times, but then I try to remind myself it’s all exciting at the same time too. The journey of starting a new phase in my life, is what I’ve been waiting for since my sophomore year of high school. I’ve been wanting change in my life and it’s finally come. At times it feels scary. Going into the unknown is scary. Going all in is scary. But I know I’m not going through this alone. There are 25 other team members just like me going through all this.

I think about the rest of my high school graduates. They will be beginning a new chapter in their life as well, meeting new people in college, or meeting new people through their job. All of us facing different changes and challenges, and experiencing joys and celebrating the wins. Some of their experiences are going to be different from mine, but I know we will all have one thing in common, and that is, we’re all going to be growing up. We’re all going to be growing each and every day and discovering more of ourselves and becoming the young woman and men God has created us to become. And I think that is what makes starting a new chapter in life exciting.

The next 14 days I have to prepare, pack, and spend time with my family and friends will come with different kinds of emotions. I ask for your prayers as this transition of leaving and beginning something new is a lot.

Lastly, I want to encourage whoever is reading this, whether you’re a freshman going into college or a young adult starting a new job, whatever new change might be next in your life, remember do not be afraid of what God might have in store for you. Back in January I had no idea God was leading me to go to South Africa 7 months later. Don’t ever underestimate the God we serve.

Caili

With

“God was with us so we’d be with each other.”

Bob Goff

So I did something big today. I got a tattoo!

I chose the word with. It’s a word that is used often but it’s not recognized enough. I want this word to bring curiosity to people. Curiosity brings questions, questions generate conversation, and conversation creates a relationship.

One of my favorite authors, Bob Goff writes in one of his books how there’s a difference between knowing what someone’s doing vs being with them while they do it. I think it’s so easy to live my life where I think I know what my family and friends are doing in their life. But I don’t always actually know what they’re going through. If I want to learn more of who a person is and have a better understanding of the experiences and challenges they go through, I need to be present with them. I want my relationships to show that I am with people in their joys, with them in their tears, with them in big decisions and with them as they grow in their faith. 

Most importantly this tattoo is a reminder of my faith. The t represents the cross and what Jesus did for me. He demonstrated that He didn’t want to be an observer in my life but that He left heaven to be with me. The overwhelming desire of my heart to want to be with God just writing this is all the more of how I want to live my life daily.

I don’t need this ink to signify my relationship with God but it’s just a reminder. My life is going to change in about 5 weeks and from now until then, I know I will have many moments of excitement, fear and apprehension. But I know that no matter where I am in my faith journey or where He takes me next, (even if it’s as far as South Africa), I know that He is always with me.

Caili

Withholding Nothing in Seasons

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.”

Psalm 42:1
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
We’re all dying to live but we’re all scared to death
And this is the part where my head tells my heart
You should turn back around
But there’s no turning back now
I’m going all in
Head first to the deep end
I hear You calling
And this time the fear won’t win
I’m going, I’m going all in

I’m living in a season in my life right now where I’m feeling spiritually dry. I feel like I’m walking in a desert with a heavy weight on my heart. Times I feel I don’t know where I’m going. Moments of doubt and apprehension. It hit me tonight that sometimes the reality of God’s will is being done not through me, but rather outside of me and around me, and sometimes in spite of my best efforts. The beautiful part is that God’s unrelenting love toward me is never increased or diminished based on how I feel or anything I say or do. Even though seasons change, I know my connection with God can never change. 

My blog name is Withhold Nothing. The word “withhold” means to refuse to give, or holdback emotions and feelings. I want to withhold nothing when I go to my Father. No matter how many times I stray away from Him, I want to always be able to run back to Him and tell Him everything. There is nothing He doesn’t already know.

“I’m going all in” is the action of withholding nothing. By going all in, in my relationship with God, in putting myself out there to new people, being vulnerable in certain situations, and to always being all in, in loving all people. One of my favorite songs “All In” by Matthew West is a reminder as I meet the people on my team and in preparing and leaving my family and friends. I want to be all in.

Caili

Choosing this Direction..

“The decisions you make are a choice of values that reflect your life in every way.”

Alice Waters

As I’ve been getting closer to the end of my senior year everything is becoming more real. Last day of high school, graduation, and then leaving everything that is familiar to me…

Back in January when I had three weeks to accept my spot with Experience Mission, it took me less than a week to start feeling the uncertainty weighing me down. Two things happened during those weeks. The first, was on a Saturday morning run with my friend. I laid out everything about college and missions. What I didn’t realize at the beginning of our conversation was I had already made my decision because everything I kept telling her, it just led me back to mission work.

If You say, “It’s wrong,” then I’ll say, “No”
If You say “Release,” I’m letting go
If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin
And when You say to jump, I’m diving in
If You say, “Be still,” then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
I don’t wanna follow my own ways
I’m done chasing feelings, Spirit lead me

The second thing that happened was I would often have nights I’d lie awake in bed with many thoughts and emotions running in my head. Music has always helped me more figure out how to handle my emotions. A line from one of my favorite songs Spirit Lead Me says, “If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin,” These words would repeat in my head and I think that was part of God’s affirmation I needed to hear.

We all face moments in life where we can either go right or go left and if we choose to go right, we’ll never know what could’ve been in the other direction. But I believe no matter what direction we choose, God will always lead us to where He wants us and to the people He has planned for our life.

These past three months I’ve watched the way people have contributed to my fundraising. Whether in big or small ways I cannot say thank you enough to everyone who has supported me. Being able to receive letters and texts from people reassures me I’m not doing this alone but that there are so many amazing people who are helping me take this next step of my life. Thank you!

Caili