Withhold Nothing

Here it Goes..

“And this is the part where my head tells my heart you should turn back around, but there’s no turning back now. I’m going all in.”
Matthew West

Today’s the day…

I can’t really explain what I’m feeling other than the past few days I’ve felt a sensation of numbness.

Last night I had a small family gathering with some of my family members. It was the first time in a long time where I felt an overwhelming love come upon me. A love that took my numbness away. A love I felt when both my aunts prayed over me. A love leaving me feeling loved and supported. I’ve been tremendously blessed by God to be a part of this family He’s placed me in.

My two thoughts as I’m on my way to meet everyone.

“To have a friend, is to be a friend” There isn’t much to explain about this statement, it’s just that simple. Today this has been a reminder to me as I meet the people on my team.
“Embrace the goodbye and embrace the new.” This has constantly been what I’ve had to face these past couple weeks. I want everyone to know how much more respect I have for people who have and are in mission work. Since the beginning of taking this path, I have learned a little more of what the beginnings are like for people in missions. It’s not easy. It’s not easy leaving people you love. It’s not easy trusting God in the unknown.

But I’m ready. I’ve been ready for this day to come. My heart feels loved knowing I have people back home praying and encouraging me right by my side as I begin this new journey.

Caili

Unplanned

“Be smarter than Caili when you pull down a garage door.”
Caili

I wasn’t planning on writing a blog tonight but I know some times I’m going to be writing back to back, while other times might be weeks apart.

It’s crazy how much can happen within 24 hours. This weekend I had the privilege to go to my friends cottage. I was getting the golf cart out of the garage this morning, so that we could drive it down to the water. Long story short, I broke my finger trying to put the garage door down. It was very painful. But hey, I got the golf cart out of the garage.

So my day went for a turn. A day I thought I’d spend in the water, to spending most of it in the ER. This evening on my way home I cried. Not because the day didn’t turn out the way I hoped, or that my finger hurt, but because of some of the hurt I’m still dealing with personally. It’s an internal pain that makes you cry and have to gasp for air. A cry that you sometimes forget how loud you’re crying. A pain that leaves me tonight to question how can God use me when I feel so broken and far from Him? How do I know He’s actually here with me? How can He take me to a different country and use me to be a light to others when I feel like my light is too dim to shine?

I’ve learned today we can’t always wrap a bandage and put a splint on the hurt. We just have to live through the pain. No matter how much it hurts. Life is always going to bring pain. Sometimes the pain is enough to put a bandage on it. Sometimes the pain is going to take longer to heal. And then sometimes neither of those are enough, until we get to Heaven.

My prayer request this week is that God would be intentional in showing me He’s right by my side and I pray that I would have the heart to pursue Him.

Thank you guys for all your love and prayers. It means a lot to me.

Caili

He Guides & Provides

“God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.”
Rick Yancey

On my way to work this summer I would pass a church called South Olive. If you’re ever wondering, the sign shines very bright at 4:30 in the mornings. The sign says, “Where God Guides God provides.” Every time I passed it, I didn’t have any crazy profound feeling that ever came to me. I mean this sign isn’t anything new. For Christians, this is one out of many lines we’ve heard throughout our lives.

I heard a sermon once that said, sometimes we have to unlearn things in order to relearn them. It wasn’t until my last couple of weeks of work that I reflected on how this sign is exactly what I needed to hear in my life right now. I think God was trying to show me this sign because I needed to relearn it.

From first figuring out if missions was what I was supposed to do, to all the people He specifically placed along the way to make this opportunity possible, and to now He’s provided for everything that I need to leave in 8 days. All along He’s always been here guiding and providing for me.

Of course I still have moments where I don’t know if I can do this. I think I’m inadequate to do something this big but then I remind myself what Jesus did. He chose ordinary people to do extraordinary things in this world.

This past week ended up being tougher than I thought it was going to be. My heart was heavy and I experienced many different emotions that I never felt before. I am thankful though to start this new week with peace in my heart knowing that He’s got this.

Caili

2 Weeks Left

“The distance is nothing; it’s only the first step that is difficult.”
Marquise du Deffand

In 2 weeks I will be leaving my family and my home. In 2 weeks I will go from feeling safe and comfortable to taking many new steps and experiencing lots of newness. In 2 weeks I will meet strangers from different walks of life and they will quickly become like family.

I’ve been making decisions this past week of what backpack, sleeping bag, or headlamp to get and much more. It all feels overwhelming at times, but then I try to remind myself it’s all exciting at the same time too. The journey of starting a new phase in my life, is what I’ve been waiting for since my sophomore year of high school. I’ve been wanting change in my life and it’s finally come. At times it feels scary. Going into the unknown is scary. Going all in is scary. But I know I’m not going through this alone. There are 25 other team members just like me going through all this.

I think about the rest of my high school graduates. They will be beginning a new chapter in their life as well, meeting new people in college, or meeting new people through their job. All of us facing different changes and challenges, and experiencing joys and celebrating the wins. Some of their experiences are going to be different from mine, but I know we will all have one thing in common, and that is, we’re all going to be growing up. We’re all going to be growing each and every day and discovering more of ourselves and becoming the young woman and men God has created us to become. And I think that is what makes starting a new chapter in life exciting.

The next 14 days I have to prepare, pack, and spend time with my family and friends will come with different kinds of emotions. I ask for your prayers as this transition of leaving and beginning something new is a lot.

Lastly, I want to encourage whoever is reading this, whether you’re a freshman going into college or a young adult starting a new job, whatever new change might be next in your life, remember do not be afraid of what God might have in store for you. Back in January I had no idea God was leading me to go to South Africa 7 months later. Don’t ever underestimate the God we serve.

Caili

With

“God was with us so we’d be with each other.”
Bob Goff

So I did something big today. I got a tattoo!

I chose the word with. It’s a word that is used often but it’s not recognized enough. I want this word to bring curiosity to people. Curiosity brings questions, questions generate conversation, and conversation creates a relationship.

One of my favorite authors, Bob Goff writes in one of his books how there’s a difference between knowing what someone’s doing vs being with them while they do it. I think it’s so easy to live my life where I think I know what my family and friends are doing in their life. But I don’t always actually know what they’re going through. If I want to learn more of who a person is and have a better understanding of the experiences and challenges they go through, I need to be present with them. I want my relationships to show that I am with people in their joys, with them in their tears, with them in big decisions and with them as they grow in their faith.

Most importantly this tattoo is a reminder of my faith. The t represents the cross and what Jesus did for me. He demonstrated that He didn’t want to be an observer in my life but that He left heaven to be with me. The overwhelming desire of my heart to want to be with God just writing this is all the more of how I want to live my life daily.

I don’t need this ink to signify my relationship with God but it’s just a reminder. My life is going to change in about 5 weeks and from now until then, I know I will have many moments of excitement, fear and apprehension. But I know that no matter where I am in my faith journey or where He takes me next, (even if it’s as far as South Africa), I know that He is always with me.

Caili

Withholding Nothing in Seasons

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.”
Psalm 42:1

So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
We’re all dying to live but we’re all scared to death
And this is the part where my head tells my heart
You should turn back around
But there’s no turning back now
I’m going all in
Head first to the deep end
I hear You calling
And this time the fear won’t win
I’m going, I’m going all in

I’m living in a season in my life right now where I’m feeling spiritually dry. I feel like I’m walking in a desert with a heavy weight on my heart. Times I feel I don’t know where I’m going. Moments of doubt and apprehension. It hit me tonight that sometimes the reality of God’s will is being done not through me, but rather outside of me and around me, and sometimes in spite of my best efforts. The beautiful part is that God’s unrelenting love toward me is never increased or diminished based on how I feel or anything I say or do. Even though seasons change, I know my connection with God can never change.

My blog name is Withhold Nothing. The word “withhold” means to refuse to give, or holdback emotions and feelings. I want to withhold nothing when I go to my Father. No matter how many times I stray away from Him, I want to always be able to run back to Him and tell Him everything. There is nothing He doesn’t already know.

“I’m going all in” is the action of withholding nothing. By going all in, in my relationship with God, in putting myself out there to new people, being vulnerable in certain situations, and to always being all in, in loving all people. One of my favorite songs “All In” by Matthew West is a reminder as I meet the people on my team and in preparing and leaving my family and friends. I want to be all in.

Caili

Owning Your Worth

“Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own.”
Robert Tew

Today was a bad day.

Work isn’t always fun, you get told to do a task you might not want to do, you go the extra mile in hopes of finally getting recognized but you don’t, your coworker or a stranger says something that hurts you. Work is hard, but work also teaches us SO many life lessons about ourselves and others. My job has taught me some hard realities as well as things about myself and others that I didn’t know before.

Now if you don’t know me, I am a big people pleaser. I’m someone who will put others’ needs before myself. I’m someone who wants to get along with everyone. I’m someone who prefers to stand in the background and avoid drama. The hardest thing to admit though is, I’m someone who doesn’t know how to recognize the value of my own worth. It takes courage to stand up for yourself. It takes courage to have your voice heard. It takes courage to believe in your worth.

As I’m reflecting on my day today, I don’t know if I can say today was a bad day. Rather, today was a day I grew up a bit more. Know how you want to be treated. Know that it’s okay to say you’re not okay, even when it’s hard. Know it’s okay to feel the hurt, but be willing to see how you can grow from it.

Know your own worth, because if you don’t recognize your value and worth, how will you ever recognize your worth as God sees you?

Caili

Choosing this Direction..

“The decisions you make are a choice of values that reflect your life in every way.”
Alice Waters

As I’ve been getting closer to the end of my senior year everything is becoming more real. Last day of high school, graduation, and then leaving everything that is familiar to me…

Back in January when I had three weeks to accept my spot with Experience Mission, it took me less than a week to start feeling the uncertainty weighing me down. Two things happened during those weeks. The first, was on a Saturday morning run with my friend. I laid out everything about college and missions. What I didn’t realize at the beginning of our conversation was I had already made my decision because everything I kept telling her, it just led me back to mission work.

If You say, “It’s wrong,” then I’ll say, “No”
If You say “Release,” I’m letting go
If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin
And when You say to jump, I’m diving in
If You say, “Be still,” then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
I don’t wanna follow my own ways
I’m done chasing feelings, Spirit lead me

The second thing that happened was I would often have nights I’d lie awake in bed with many thoughts and emotions running in my head. Music has always helped me more figure out how to handle my emotions. A line from one of my favorite songs Spirit Lead Me says, “If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin,” These words would repeat in my head and I think that was part of God’s affirmation I needed to hear.

We all face moments in life where we can either go right or go left and if we choose to go right, we’ll never know what could’ve been in the other direction. But I believe no matter what direction we choose, God will always lead us to where He wants us and to the people He has planned for our life.

These past three months I’ve watched the way people have contributed to my fundraising. Whether in big or small ways I cannot say thank you enough to everyone who has supported me. Being able to receive letters and texts from people reassures me I’m not doing this alone but that there are so many amazing people who are helping me take this next step of my life. Thank you!

Caili

Space for Change

“Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place.”
Henri J.M. Nouwen

These past several weeks I’ve gotten to know more about what it’s like to see from different perspectives. A coworker of mine and I have talked a couple of times about religion and what we believe. He doesn’t agree with everything I believe in, nor do I believe everything he believes in. But what is so much more important than any disparities we might have, is that we both share a common respect for each other.

I believe the world we live in today is full of people who are trying to change each other. People of different religions, political stances, or equality views and the list goes on. What breaks my heart is, it only takes some people one opinion to make them change how they treat the other person they contradict with. Sometimes I think people fear more about their opinion being maybe “wrong” than caring more about the other person.

We can’t change people, rather God is the one who does the changing. My coworker and I may not ever come to agree on what we both believe in. But that doesn’t disqualify me from treating him any differently than I would with someone who has the same views as me. Every time I go to work all I can do is show my love and kindness to him. There’s nothing more I can do. I believe when we offer the space for change to take place, we are allowing God to intercede and allowing His work to take place.

If we aren’t setting each other’s differences aside, how can we extend the space needed for change to happen?

Caili

“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” ― John 4:12

The Heart of Listening

“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.”
William Hazlitt

I believe God brings people into our lives all in His timing. Today was one of those times.

I reconnected with a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a while. We shared some good food, laughter, and some tears, but most importantly we both left with a heart knowing we were understood by each other.

I often forget I look at a person from a distance and I think I really “know” who they are. But in reality, there is so much more to a person than what we see with our eyes. It’s when you have those conversations that involves having the strength to be vulnerable, a heart to be genuine, and being attentive to every word the person is saying. It’s when you are willing to fully immerse yourself in listening, you begin to know the person.

Today, I could hear my friend hurting and the pain in her heart. I cannot fully understand everything she has gone through because her story is different from mine. But I want to see the brokenness my friend is carrying, is the beauty of knowing it’s all part of her journey.

In 5 months I am going to meet people with so many different stories that are going to be beautiful and different from mine. People who will be carrying their struggles with them and I want to be the kind of person that listens. My hope is to see more and more that at the end of each day we are more alike than different. We all want to be understood and heard, but first, we must ask ourselves, am I willing to listen?

Caili