Caili

1 Month Study Abroad

“There are seasons when it feels like our relational cup is overflowing and seasons when we wonder if anyone even knows we are alive.” — Ann Voskamp

Two weeks ago, I tried to put into words what’s been happening in my life over the past few months through my podcast. However, after recording and editing my second attempt, I couldn’t post it because it didn’t feel right. I told myself, “Maybe this isn’t my story to tell.” But I knew I needed to share it and I remembered I’m a better writer than I am a speaker and so here I am writing.

At the end of January 2025, I left to go on my study abroad to Germany. My plan was to be gone until June, but things quickly changed and I returned home at the end of February. I’m writing this because I don’t want to share what happened, rather I want to share three points that I have learned through my study abroad experience.

Losing Dreams and Losing People

One of the hardest things I had to work through when I came home was I felt I had “failed.” I have walked alongside friends and people I have met throughout my life who have shared how much they loved their study abroad and how it changed them. I had never met anyone who didn’t have a positive experience or who left early, but I learned pretty quickly that I needed to change my perspective. I may not had the “change” that I had envisioned for myself before I left for Germany, but it was a change that still grew me in ways that I never thought.

Alongside losing my dream, I have had to walk away from people and lose friendships that I didn’t think I would lose. I learned that not everyone is at a place in their journey to handle authenticity and I have to find the people who do want the real me.

Author Jennie Allen says it best,

“Outside of Jesus, relationships are the greatest gifts we have on earth and simultaneously the most difficult part of being alive.”

As I keep getting older, I’m learning more and more that we are changed by what we lose. I’ve learned that relationships can hold both beauty and sorrow, and that it can take time to find your people who are meant to walk alongside you.

Pain is Never Wasted

There are no words I can describe the pain and sadness I felt when I came home, but through my pain, I have learned that my life is more full because of it. I have learned I can plan my life as much as I want, but God is the one who decides where I will go. I love how The Message translates Proverbs 16:9:

“We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.”

Ashes Burn Out

When I came home a friend of mine said to me, “Caili, you need to find the people that will sit in the ashes with you.” I have learned it takes a special kind of person (people) to sit with you in the ashes of your life, to grieve with you, and to come beside you and sit with you in the darkness. I still experience moments where I feel my ashes are very present and that they won’t go away. But one night when I was struggling my mom told me, “Caili, the most beautiful thing about ashes is that they will eventually burn out and there will be no more.”

I may not have said the perfect words for everything I’ve written, but if there’s one thing I’ve come to understand, it’s that the loss of my study abroad dream has opened my heart to a deeper understanding for those who carry their own losses. I’m reminded that sometimes it’s through our struggles and disappointments that we remember our shared humanity.

Caili

1 Month Holy Land

‘Sonder – n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.”
John Koenig

This video doesn’t give Palestine the justice it deserves, but I hope it gives you both a glimpse to the reality of a place that is deeply hurting and a glimpse to the amazing people here who still continue to carry a radical hope for one day a better life.

So, life update, this past July I went back to the Holy Land (Palestine and Israel). I had the opportunity of leading a 1 month team. It’s hard to imagine it was only a week ago today that I was still there. My experience going back was so, so much more beautiful and amazing than I thought it ever would be, but it also broke my heart in many ways too.

Friday July 21, 2023

One of my hardest and yet best days on this trip was going to an orphanage called, The Crèche. It is located in the city of Bethlehem. This orphanage broke my heart. My eyes were opened to a new injustice I never saw before. An aching injustice I’ll never fully be able to comprehend. Newborns are abandoned in trash cans, children are forced into a religion from the moment they’re born, fathers raping their kids, and babies growing up to adults who can’t be adopted. What broke me the most is the reality that these children won’t ever get adopted because it’s not allowed. It’s illegal here.

The Crèche was one of the reasons I got this tattoo. The tattoo is written in mandarin Chinese and it says, “tell me your story.” Experiencing this orphanage brought me many memories back to my own adoption story. A story that some people would call “one of the lucky” or even “a miracle.” Many people who are close to me know I was adopted when I was 5 years old, but many people don’t know how complicated the adoption systems really are around the world. They’re very broken. After I left the orphanage I was in awe of how I am, “one of the lucky” or “a miracle” to have been adopted, and to be able to have the life that I have now. I will forever remember looking at these kids with tears in my eyes and wondering why they can’t be the “lucky ones too.”

This tattoo is a reminder for me of how I want to always have humility when listening to someone’s story because you never know what people have gone through in their life.

I had each one of the members in my host family write a character so that I would have their handwriting. The first character though is the only one that is not part of the family. This selfless, compassionate, driven and beautiful woman below helped me more than I could ask of anyone. She taught me what it means to be a leader. What it means to show humility to every human being, what it means to embrace the uncomfortable, and what it means to challenge my own beliefs and values so that I can see new perspectives.

Hearing someone else’s story always has taught me how to love more. I don’t want to know people on a surface level, I want to know their story. I feel like many people go through life meeting people and only knowing them on a surface level. As humans we all share similar emotions that come from our own stories. Like joy, love, comfort, loss, desire, confusion, sadness etc. but we don’t explain why we feel the way we feel until we start unfolding our own story.

What I love about living in different countries is the many stories that I hear and I take them back home and they start shaping who I become as a person. One of the most important things I’ve learned from being back in the Holy Land and my past couple years of traveling is that, love can simply come from sitting across a beautiful human being and listening to their story.

Caili

Every Person has a Story

“Educating yourself is important, it is how you learn and discover more of the truth.”
Reem

On Thursday March 17, I went to a pasta dinner for the Palestine Marathon that was happening the following morning. That night I met a young woman named Reem. She appeared more quiet and reserved but she was very kind and she had a beautiful smile. When she spoke, her words were gentle and soft, in a way that made you feel safe. She has a beauty in seeing the world differently than most people I know. Reem is an artist and she exhibits her Fine arts in Jerusalem and other parts of Palestine. When I asked Reem where she lived, she told me she was from Hebron. It was in that moment sitting with her around the campfire in Bethlehem, my heart for Hebron felt like it “grew 3 sizes that day” (yes, Caili is quoting the Grinch).

Earlier that month I visited Hebron. I was only there for a day, but I saw and learned a lot in that short amount of time. My heart broke so many times when I walked through the different parts of modern day and old city Hebron. In some of the areas I walked through, there were nets and wires above my head, above the shops and homes of where Palestinians live. Palestinians have to use it as a protection from the rocks and stones that get thrown at them. A beautiful place with so many good people, but with so much pain and injustice. My heart has grown a love for Hebron, not because of what I have seen and learned, but because of the night I met my friend Reem. I think the injustice of what we see sometimes with our own eyes is not enough, but it’s when we form a friendship with someone who has to live in that reality; it causes us to see injustice in a new way.

One night in Bethlehem I was sitting on the rooftop of my host family’s home. No one was with me, it was just me and God (and occasionally the call to prayer from the Mosque would join us). My trip wasn’t even halfway done yet but I was already thinking about how I would share what I’ve experienced and learned to my family and friends. That night God didn’t verbally say anything to me but I knew deep in my conscience and in my heart that I couldn’t just share this with the close people in my life, but it needed to be shared with my church.

Being back home for over a month now, I am starting to notice the different ways I have grown. God has changed me in the way I see life and people differently. I have met so many people on this trip. So many people with different dreams, cultures, religions, values, perspectives.. But, if there was one thing that wasn’t different from all of the people I met, it was that they all have a beautiful story. Each person I met carrys a story. Reem has a story. Rayyan has a story. Daoud has a story. We all have a story, full of good, joyful, beautiful, broken, and painful parts. It is my hope I can share some of their stories.

In 4 weeks on Sunday, June 26th I will be sharing with my church about my experience in the Holy Land. I will be speaking a little during the worship service but most of it will be following the service. To my family, friends, my blog family and anyone else who wants to hear about my trip, you are all welcome to come!

There’s no words I can describe how incredible, transforming and how much joy this experience was for me. But this experience was also extremely heavy in many ways. In ways that I didn’t know most of the time what I was feeling. Many of the times hard things we see and experience, can’t be posted on social media or captured on video, but it needs to be talked about. A place like the Holy Land, it needs to be talked about.

Prayer Request: Please pray that I will know how to share this in a way that’s honest and that it gives justice to the Holy Land, but without being bias, and that I would have the humility to be able to talk about this in a way that helps me meet the people who listen to this, where they are.

Caili

Church: Alger Park

Address: 2655 Eastern Ave SE. Grand Rapids, MI 49507

Worship Service: 9:30-10:30am

Holy Land: 11:00-11:40am

Shukran (thank you) Holy Land

“..And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”
Romans 8:27

Before the airplane took off I looked out my window and I thought about every beautiful person in my last 3 months God placed in my life. At the beginning of this trip I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His, and let me just tell you, God hears us. I’ve been touched by so many broken hearts and God used them to touch me in a way that made me see some of my own brokenness inside of me.

Once the plane took off I looked down below at the water and I was reminded of the many people here who have never seen the ocean because they don’t have that privilege. My eyes started to water with tears and instead of holding them in like I usually try and do, I let them fall..

Before I left Bethlehem I got a tattoo. I got the word Inshallah written in Arabic. Inshallah means “God willing.” One of the few words that was said repeatedly during my time here. From people saying things like, “I hope one day more people will discover the truth of what’s happening here and how Palestinians are being treated.” Then someone would respond, “Me too, Inshallah.” Or to a simple conversation a person would say, “I hope it gets warmer out soon.” And someone would say, “Yes me too, Inshallah.”

One of the days when I was volunteering in Nazareth, I was pouring cement next to the cages of the donkeys with a man named Nadeem. Nadeem shared with me about his wife, his daughters and his strong faith in the Lord. He shared with me the struggles of living in this place where there are now less than 0.01% Christians left. He shared with me how hard it is to make money so that his daughters can have a good education in their universities. Nadeem says, “It’s hard living here, but God is good.. and Inshallah more Christians will one day live here again.”

How do I live my life like the way Nadeem does? How do I talk about God in my every day conversations the way all the people I’ve met here do?

I want to see God the way people here see God. Every day Palestinians here have to face hard challenges and trials but they always continue to keep God at center of their life. Even though Muslims, Jews, Christians.. all here believe God differently, they all use this word. This word has become a reminder and challenge for me to keep God at the center of my life.

The numbers below Inshallah is the coordinates to the location of where one of my host family’s home is (Aida Camp). The refugee camp where I got to live and experience God transform and mature me in ways I never imagined. He opened my eyes to things I knew where real in this world, but I never imagined seeing some of it with my own eyes. From all the beautiful and broken things I’ve seen and experienced, I wanted this place to be reminder of how God worked in my life. One of my host sisters I became very close with, I had her write Inshallah so I would have her hand writing as a reminder of the impact she had on my heart.

I put this tattoo in a place where it’s kind of hidden but in a place that when I’m wearing a t-shirt, the sleeve will sometimes peek out the tattoo. Palestine is a place where many people don’t know exist or they only see all of the Holy Land as the state of Israel. I’m not here to say what the Holy Land should be named but I know Palestine is a place where there are people who are not being treated as humans. I believe as Christians we are called to love every human being, especially those who have had their humanity taken from them.

As I’m now back in the states I still can’t fully wrap my mind and heart around everything I’ve felt and experienced. I have moments where I don’t know what to do with my emotions. Whether I want and (actually have) become irritated with the people I love most, or moments in my day where I just want to cry but I don’t understand why. I’m so grateful though for a God who knows exactly what I am feeling. Where the Holy Spirit intercedes and helps me in my weakness when I don’t know what to pray for, like it says in Romans 8.

There’s a lot of mistakes I’ve already made being back home that I’m not proud of, but every day I’m learning more and more of God’s unrelenting grace.

Caili

Highlands

I will praise you on the mountain
And I will praise you when the mountain is in my way
You’re the summit where my feet are
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
You’re the heaven where my heart is
In the highlands and the heartache all the same

Whatever I walk through
Wherever I am
Your name can move mountains
Wherever I stand
And if ever I walk through
The valley of death
I’ll sing through the shadows
My song of ascent

Beauty of Prayer

“Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing.”
Camille Pissarro

When I was living in Aida with my Muslim family we had the opportunity to participate in Ramadan. Ramadan is the most important month in the Islamic calendar. During this month all around the world Muslims fast from sunrise (Suhoor) to sunset (Iftar). Between sunrise and sunset you are not allowed to eat or drink anything (including water), until the breaking of the fast of Iftar (which is between 7-7:30pm).

For the remainder of my time here I chose to fast for 2 weeks. Every night before I broke fast I would hear the call to prayer at the mosque where Muslims go and pray. One thing I noticed is the quietness outside, as all the Muslim families have gathered inside to eat. It’s kind of funny because Bethlehem streets are not quiet at all, it can be very loud at times with all the horns from the taxis. But after Iftar begins, it’s completely quiet and I find that beautiful. I’ve gotten to sit in silence during some of my dinners, listening to the quietness of the streets. The fellowship and solidarity Muslims have with one another during Ramadan is amazing to be able to watch and experience some of it with them.

I’ve seen God work during my fasting as it has given me the opportunity to spend a lot more time in prayer. I’ve experienced the various ways people pray here and it’s remarkable. From looking at my host sister wear her beautiful dress and hijab and watching her bow down in her prayer time. To praying with my host brother and hearing the profound way he starts his prayers with, “Dear God, I’m praying to you because I love you..” And then to listening to my host mom pray in Arabic for my family in Aida and all the other Muslims in Palestine. Even though I can’t understand what she is praying, it’s like I can still feel the love she is saying to God with her soft spoken voice as she prays. These have been some of my favorite moments I’ve experienced during my time of fasting.

Fasting has also humbled me in a different way. It’s taught me as a broken human being I will always have within me this deep hunger, searching to find what can fill it. Life is all about what we look to fill us. Through fasting I’ve been reminded constantly of God’s abundant mercy and grace as that is the only thing that can fill me. My prayer of submission throughout my trip here has always been asking God for His grace to rescue me from me.

As my time here in the Holy Land has come to the near end, I ask through my transitioning and adjusting back to America that you would pray for me over these next coming weeks..

Prayer Requests:

– Pray for wisdom for me. Wisdom to know how much I should share and wisdom to know who are the people I should share with about my experiences I’ve had here.

– I know some experiences I’ve had will be hard for me to talk about, but also hard for some people to understand. Pray I would have the humility and compassion to meet people back home where they are, and not try to get them to meet me where I am.

– Pray for God’s grace upon me in my transitioning. I will need His grace to help me adjust to living back home with the all the things I’ve seen and experienced.

Caili

Be Present

Imagine Jesus crucified in your arms and on your chest, and say a hundred times as you kiss His chest, “This is my hope, the living source of my happiness; this is the heart of my soul; nothing will ever separate me from His love.”
Pio of Pietrelcina

On Maundy Thursday my team and I went to a catholic service in the Church of Nativity (where Jesus was born). Taking part in communion and listening to a language I couldn’t understand made me appreciate in that very moment that no matter what language we are worshiping in, it will always be beautiful because we are singing to the Lord.

Good Friday we “attempted” at cooking our host family an American meal. It was a joy to be able to watch their faces light up as they tried our food. One of the dishes I made, my host family decided to rename cheesy potatoes to “American Lasagna.” I found it funny that they wanted to name it a pasta dish. Watching my host brother smile after trying his first ever PB&J sandwich was something I will never forget. Later that night we did karaoke with my host sisters. From belting out Disney hits, to Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and ending with worship hymns. My host sister would sing a song in Arabic while we would sing in English. It was beautiful to be able to listen to our two languages come together in worship to God.. and how even more beautiful it must of been to God’s ears.

Saturday we had dinner with our other family in Aida Camp and their extended family. Meeting my host family’s aunts, uncles, cousins and some of their children made my heart full. Sitting around a table with many Muslim woman of all ages was a moment I will never forget. At the beginning of this trip I was so frustrated with the language barrier and how I was unable to communicate with the people God had placed in front of me. But now looking back on Saturday, I realized just sitting there and being with these beautiful woman was enough. God doesn’t always call us in action to speak with our words, sometimes He just wants us to sit and be present.

Then yesterday for Easter we went into Jerusalem and we had a church service at The Garden Tomb. When we sung, “See What a Morning” the lyrics, “With the dawning of hope in Jerusalem. And we are raised with Him. Death is dead, love has won, Christ has conquered..” All I can say for that moment, my heart was full of gratitude. It’s a little sad but I don’t think I will fully understand the appreciation of the experience I had yesterday until I’m back home. It’s like one of those experiences you never imagined yourself having, and then you have it, but it’s not until later you realize how cool it was!

As God has tremendously shown me this past weekend of His love of being present, I challenge you to find the little moments of where God shows up to you this week. Pray for wisdom to know the times He’s asking you to speak and to know the times He’s asking you to just sit and be present where you are.

Caili

Sure Thing

“Lead me to the Rock, ‘cause I need something higher, higher than the world could understand.”
Joel Houston & Benjamin Hastings

Monday afternoon I sat on the beach watching the Mediterranean Sea weaves crash on the shoreline of one of the beaches in Tel Aviv. I observed around me the tall modern-day buildings and homes. Noticing all the runners and bikers going by. Watching people play volleyball and seeing girls around my age taking pictures of each other. I felt as if I was experiencing culture shock. A shock of a westernized world. I felt like I was back home again.. and I didn’t like it.

The world will never make sense of the kingdom of God. I don’t want to get myself caught in the sinking sand. Sinking sand of discouragement, fear, loneliness, comfort, complacency.. the sinking sand I believe so many of us in the westernized world today are experiencing.

Jesus, I need your grace ‘cause the world’s gone mad.

He is working all things together for good because He is our sure thing.

Caili

What is Your Burden?

“Come and bring the breakthrough we surrender to You, all our hope is in You, God.”
Passion

Yesterday morning I was weeding around an Olive Tree and I dropped my pickaxe on the ground. I got down on my knees and I started to cry. It wasn’t just a few tears streaming down my face, I was sobbing. Everything that I didn’t know I was holding in earlier, all came crashing down. I couldn’t hold it in anymore..

I feel as if I’m carrying a burden and the burden keeps getting heavier and heavier the longer that I’m here. The burden of breaking hearts I feel for Palestinians, the burden of the oppressors who I feel seem to be blind, the burden of injustice and how I ask God, “How can something so wrong, be right?” This burden often feels overwhelming, but I know because of the grace of God I have not had to carry it alone.

I looked up with my watery eyes at the skyline and I saw the Israeli settlements around me and I started to cry more. It broke my heart just imagining within the next year the number of homes that will be built around this beautiful land that I’ve gotten to volunteer for. I closed my eyes and I said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

These past 3 weeks I’ve had the blessing of living with a Muslim family in Aida Camp. Aida is the the second largest refugee camp in Bethlehem. Living in a refugee camp for the very first time has brought me so much blessings, frustrations, joys, sorrows, love, guilt and peace. But if there is one word I had to describe my time in Aida, it would be family. Family is the kindness of my host mom repeatedly saying, “This is your home, you are like my children.” Family is going on night walks with my host sister and getting to witness how she confidently wears her heart on her sleeve. Family is evening conversations with my host dad about the deeper meaning of what gratitude and loving your neighbor looks like. Family is a kind of love that made me not want to say goodbye to them.

The hearts I have been touched by, the personal stories I’ve heard, the numerous ways God has changed me from the inside that I can’t even recognize who I was before this trip. God’s been good to me and I praise Him every day for it. As I continue to embrace this burden for this beautiful place He has given me to carry, it’s a continuous reminder how this is just a glimpse to all the rest of the burdens Christ chose to carry to that cross for us.

I’m grateful God doesn’t call us to carry every single burden in this world but I believe God does call each of us to carry different burdens. Easter is approaching and I want to challenge you with the same questions I have been challenging myself with recently..

1.) “What burden are you carrying?”

2.) “What burden is God asking you to carry?”

3.) “Is the burden you are carrying now, maybe the wrong burden God is asking you to carry?”

You can carry a personal burden that will change you, but when you carry a burden for something that is happening in the world, it will change you in a humbling way.

Caili

Going the Extra Mile

“Whoever compels you to go one mile with him, go with him two miles.”
Matthew 5:41

Every year Palestine hosts a marathon in Bethlehem called, Palestine Marathon Freedom of Movement. This morning my team and I got to run it. I ran the half marathon with a guy named Samaan who I didn’t know would later on become my new friend. When we reached about mile 9 I didn’t see Samaan beside me. He had stopped. I continued to run but I felt in my heart that tug you get, when you know you have a decision to make. My one decision was to keep running and my other was to turn around..

I turned around and I told Samaan, “You can do this, I believe in you.” And then I reached out my hand and gave him a fist bump. Once we reached our 11th mile, I could see Samaan was tired but I knew he had the strength to finish. Turning around, I said to Samaan, “You can do this, I believe in you.” With God’s strength, Samaan and I both got to cross the finish line together.

I look back on this morning and I think, “What if I hadn’t turned around?”

If I hadn’t turned around, I would’ve never gotten to know Samaan. I would’ve never known that his name means “I hear.” I would’ve never realized how many things we have in common. I would’ve never known he is 19, is in a gap year, is going far away next fall for college, and is a Christian who I can see deeply loves God and others. If I had not turned around.. I would have missed seeing God.

After the race was over I started thinking about my relationship with God and I thought, “How many times does God turn around for me?” Yes He is always going ahead of us and He is always there behind us, but He is also always there coming along beside us. He wants to be with us.

When I receive God’s grace, it’s like I can picture God turning around and He sees that I’m tired and He comes alongside me and I hear Him say, “You can do this, I believe in you.”

To be honest I didn’t know if I wanted to share this. I don’t like being seen for what I do, but rather I want to look at this knowing that it’s not about me. It’s about God’s work, and I want to share with the people in my life what He has been doing.

God turns around for us each and every day and says, “You can do this, I believe in you.” And He reaches out with the holes in His hands giving us a fist bump:)

Caili

Prayer Requsts:

⁃ Next week we start volunteering at two different new places. Prayers that God will use me to be a blessing to the children and adults I will be with.

⁃ Strength for my team and I, as we have reached our halfway mark to continue to lean on God and allow Him to challenge us and grow us for the remainder of our trip.