1 Month Study Abroad

“There are seasons when it feels like our relational cup is overflowing and seasons when we wonder if anyone even knows we are alive.” — Ann Voskamp

Two weeks ago, I tried to put into words what’s been happening in my life over the past few months through my podcast. However, after recording and editing my second attempt, I couldn’t post it because it didn’t feel right. I told myself, “Maybe this isn’t my story to tell.” But I knew I needed to share it and I remembered I’m a better writer than I am a speaker and so here I am writing. 

At the end of January 2025, I left to go on my study abroad to Germany. My plan was to be gone until June, but things quickly changed and I returned home at the end of February. I’m writing this because I don’t want to share what happened, rather I want to share three points that I have learned through my study abroad experience. 

1. Losing Dreams and Losing People 

One of the hardest things I had to work through when I came home was I felt I had “failed.” I have walked alongside friends and people I have met throughout my life who have shared how much they loved their study abroad and how it changed them. I had never met anyone who didn’t have a positive experience or who left early, but I learned pretty quickly that I needed to change my perspective. I may not had the “change” that I had envisioned for myself before I left for Germany, but it was a change that still grew me in ways that I never thought.

Alongside losing my dream, I have had to walk away from people and lose friendships that I didn’t think I would lose. I learned that not everyone is at a place in their journey to handle authenticity and I have to find the people who do want the real me. 

Author Jennie Allen says it best,

“Outside of Jesus, relationships are the greatest gifts we have on earth and simultaneously the most difficult part of being alive.”

As I keep getting older, I’m learning more and more that we are changed by what we lose. I’ve learned that relationships can hold both beauty and sorrow, and that it can take time to find your people who are meant to walk alongside you. 

2. Pain is Never Wasted

There are no words I can describe the pain and sadness I felt when I came home, but through my pain, I have learned that my life is more full because of it. I have learned I can plan my life as much as I want, but God is the one who decides where I will go. I love how The Message translates Proverbs 16:9:

“We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.”

3. Ashes Burn Out 

When I came home a friend of mine said to me, “Caili, you need to find the people that will sit in the ashes with you.” I have learned it takes a special kind of person (people) to sit with you in the ashes of your life, to grieve with you, and to come beside you and sit with you in the darkness. I still experience moments where I feel my ashes are very present and that they won’t go away. But one night when I was struggling my mom told me, “Caili, the most beautiful thing about ashes is that they will eventually burn out and there will be no more.” 

I may not have said the perfect words for everything I’ve written, but if there’s one thing I’ve come to understand, it’s that the loss of my study abroad dream has opened my heart to a deeper understanding for those who carry their own losses. I’m reminded that sometimes it’s through our struggles and disappointments that we remember our shared humanity.

Caili